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/ 



PRICE, PEF TY CENTS. 




Boston \5s^HErri^J::5iipARD^ ,f ublishers 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



M. QUAD, 

"THE DETROIT FREE PRESS MAN. 



WITH A CENTENNIAL CALENDAR, ILLUSTRATED. 







BOSTON: 

HENRY L. SHEPARD & CO., PUBLISHERS, 
1875. 



■9'o'^%'', 



COPYRIGHT. 

HENRY L. SHEPARD & CO., 

1875. 



CONTENTS. 



M. Quad, " The Free Press Man," 7 

Chronological . . . . . 9 

Looking for the Centennial 10 

Rousing a Boy 14 

The Hundredth Year 18 

January, with Calendar . . .20 

The New Weather Reports , ... 23 

February, with Calendar 25 

March, with Calendar 30 

April, with Calendar 33 

May, with Calendar .36 

June, with Calendar 42 

July, with Calendar 45 

August, with Calendar 5^ 

September, with Calendar 54 

October, with Calendar ... ....... 59 

November, with Calendar . . " 63 

December, with Calendar ......... 68 

The Crops .7° 

iii 



ILLUSTRATIONS. 

" Soothing syrup," — " Sole heir to all the property," 7 

" Crawled under the circus canvas," — " He was foreman of a fire company," . . 8 

" Head writer on a newspaper," — " Hale, hearty and bald-headed," . . . 9 

" Walking along the highway," 10 

He sails in, — He sails out, ii 

A volunteer, — Result of the squeeze, — The pressed, — Old-fashioned music, . 12 

Taken up, — Out all night, 13 

** Solomon, it's six o'clock," 14 

" Chasing a rabbit," — '* Husking corn," — " Playing baseball," — " Around the 

opera house," 15 

"Hammers away at him with a hair-brush," 16 

M. Quad, in his stump speech, . . 18 

January, . . . . . . . . . . ' . . , .20 

February, 25 

" I got down the gun," — " His legs loomed up like schooner's masts," . . 28 

March, 30 

April. 33 

May, . , 36 

June, 42 

July, 48 

August, 51 

September, 54 

October, • • 59 

" You can't smoke in here," . , .62 

November, 63 

December, , , . 6S 

V 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



M. QUAD, "THE FREE PRESS MAN." 

A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY WRITTEN BY HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW. 

There was nothing remarkable about his babyhood, except his red 
hair. 

And the great quantity of soothing syrup necessary to keep him toned 
down. 

He was born of humble parents. His father had never been on a 
jury, delivered a Fourth of July oration, or been sued for slander, and 
his mother had never rescued anybody from drowning, or delivered a 
lecture on woman's rights. 





He never had any brothers or sisters. He might have had in due 
time, but his midnight howls wore his mother out when he was two years 
old, and she went to join the angels, and left him to howl it out. 

His father was accidentally shot while courting a second wife, and 
the boy kicked the clothes off the bed to find himself an orphan. 

7 



8 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



He was the sole heir to all the property, and the property consisted of 
a wheelbarrow, a tooth-brush, and one or two other things. The bov's 
uncle swooped down on the estate, stole everything but the debts it was 
owing, and the orphan was given a grand bounce into the cold and heart- 
less world. 

But little is known of his boyhood. He probably had patches before 
and behind, like other orphans ; wept over the grave of his mother in his 
sad moments, and crawled under the circus canvas in his hours of sun- 
shine. Nothing in his demeanor attracted the attention of John Jacob 
Astor or Commodore Vanderbilt, and consequently he had more cuffs 
than fat clerkships. 

At the age of fifteen he was invited to go up in a balloon. 

He didn't go. 





When he was seventeen, he decided to become a pirate, but all the 
captains on the Erie Canal discouraged him. 

At eighteen he was in the Legislature, — sat there and heard a speech 
and then left with the other spectators. 

At twenty he was foreman of a fire company, but was impeached be- 
cause he couldn't "holler " as loudly as the foreman of " No. 7." 

He had just reached his majority when he led a rich and beautiful girl 
to the altar — and handed her over to the bridegroom. He commenced 
in that year to be a " head writer " on newspapers. Was almost daily 



CHRONOLOGICAL. 



informed that his proper sphere was acting as governor of a State, or in 
commanding armies, but he stuck to journalistic work. 





He was funny from the start, but it took i8 years to make people be- 
lieve it. He has had many wives, and is the father of scores of happy 
children. Has had the cholera and small-pox, written articles ranging 
from astronomy to the best manner of curing hams, been wrecked, shot, 
assassinated and banished, and to-day is hale, hearty and bald-headed. 

All reports about a steamboat blowing him up are canards. He blew 
the boat up. 

For further particulars see circulars. 



CHRONOLOGICAL. 

Up to the year 600, as I understand, no year had over five months in 
it, and no month had over three weeks. This brought Fourth of July, 
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years pretty closely together, and a 
patriot had hardly got through marching around with the fire company 
and hurrahing for General Jackson, when he was called upon to buy a 
Thanksgiving goose. The bones of that goose were scarcely buried be- 
fore it was time to hang up stockings and receive Santa Claus' gifts of 
gold watches and diamond pins. Then came a New Year's dinner, and 



10 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

it was only well digested before the boys came out with the anvil and 
fired thirteen guns for the Continental Congress. 

Those must have been happy times. If a girl promised to marry a 
young man "next year" he hadn't more than time to get his boots made 
before the happy day was at hand and the minister was on the door-step. 
White-headed boys were entitled to vote, before they were out of bob- 
tailed coats, and red-headed girls, not tall enough to look over a gate,, 
planned elopements. 

Those good old days will never return. They are way off there, and 
we are way off here, and -the people of to-day find even twelve full 
months such a short year that Connecticut men often give notes payable 
on the 32d of January. 



LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 

He will be loo years old on the ist of May, and he will don his blue 
swallow-tailed coat, grease his cowhide boots, put on his ancient straw 
hat, take up his cane, and set out for the Centennial. He has a few 

dollars in his calf-skin wallet, the brass but- 
tons on his coat have been scoured up for 
the occasion, and he means to see the thing 
through, if it takes all night and costs him 
ten shillings. 

Walking along to the highway, he begins 
to think of Lexington, Boston Harbor, 
Bunker Hill and Valley Forge, and his pul- 
ses beat faster. His father shouldered a 
flint-lock and his mother prepared lint, and 
our old man feels that he is the son of a pa- 
triot, if not the son of a gun. 

He remembers how the Britishers kept his parents SAvake nights, and 
prevented them from going to donations and excursions for seven long 
years, and he gets mad and wants to lick some one or somebody. 




LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 



II 




Meeting a man bound the other way, and discovering a foreign look 
about him, our old man drops his cane, spits on his aged mauleys and 
sails in. 

The traveller at first regards the old hero 
with amazement, but quickly calling to mind 
the saying that "it's a poor traveller who can't 
make his own road," he removes the bundle 
from his shoulder, and comes up to the 
scratch smiling. The conflict doesn't last 
over a minute and a half before our old hero 
gets three or four shots below the water- 
line, his main-mast goes by the board, the 
enemy mount the parapet with a hurrah ! and 
., . he sails out — licked by a blasted foreigner, 

He sails in. ^ ° 

and well licked at that. 

He continues on his way, after a halt to make repairs, and his patriotic 
pulses don't bound again until he enters the 
Quaker city. The glorious day has dawned 
at last and the city is in an uproar. Our old 
man forgets all about his encounter on the 
high seas, swings his hat and hurrahs with 
the rest, and kindly volunteers to hold the 
loaded end of a sky-rocket which some boys 
are just ready to send aloft. The effect is 
all that could have been expected under the 
circumstances, but the boys couldn't induce 
„ ., , the old hero to do so any more if they were 

He sails out. -' ■' 

worth a million dollars apiece. 

After the doctors have patched him up, our old man starts for the Cen- 
tennial buildings. The vehicle is somewhat crowded, but it is a time 
when everyone is expected to patiently endure all inconveniences for 
the sake of liberty. He was quite a portly old man when entering the 
car, and is surprised, on getting out, to find how the sqeeze has affected 




12 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



him. His height has been increased nearly three feet, and the fact is 
plainly apparent to him that his prospects have gone up. He rather 
enjoys his position, however, believing that he can more certainly get his 
money's worth. 




^ ^'^.^-^o; 




rAm^i 



A volunteer. 



Result of the squeeze. 



While crowding toward the main entrance of the exhibition buildings 
a meek-looking boy offers to take him in by a private route. The old 
hero submits to be taken in, and the boy conducts him around the cor- 

V, I ,. ,,j 





The pressed. Old-fashioned music. 

Tier, down an alley, and into the office of the " head man " of the whole 
show. 

The head man warmly greets him, asks him to take a few swallows of 



LOOKING FOR THE CENTENNIAL. 



13 



some Bourbon captured from the British one hundred years before, and 
the old man proceeds to comply, solely because of his patriotic princi- 
ples. Soon after imbibing the prize-liquid he begins to feel good all 
over and emphatically declares that all he asks for is to live long enough 
to see England pitch in to this country again. 

He looks around for relics, and is shown the club with which George 
Washington killed captain Cook, a decanter which Martin Luther used 
to take to the hay-field, and a premium chromo which Benjamin Frank- 
lin gave out to his newspaper subscribers. He becomes sleepy about 
this time, and the " head man " and the club and the decanter become, 
somewhat mixed up to his vision. He sits down and inquires after the 





Out all night. 

bowie-knife once carried by Marie Ant Dinette, and the wolf's den which 
General Putnam entered, but he falls asleep before they are brought out, 
2mA when he recovers his senses it is night and he finds himself in the 
alley, owing to the careless manner in which some barrels of salt had 
been left, they have rolled against him from either way and change his 
shape again. Instead of being nine feet high he is only three, with pro- 
portionate breadth of beam. 

After receiving an introduction to himself -and becoming somewhat 
acquainted he finds his ducats missing, his aged locks full of oyster cans 
and brickbats, his venerable whiskers gone, and his general health un- 



14 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



der the weather. He strikes out for the street, his steps accompanied by 
old-fashioned music, and leaves the alley just in time to encounter Prof. 
Wise's Easterly Current, which has escaped from its cage in the exhibi- 
tion buildings and is on a tear. 

Our old hero is taken up, along with a well-selected assortment of 
other things, and just as he begins in the Professor's theory he is dropped 
in his own door-yard. Owing to circumstances over which he has no 
control he remains in the yard all night, and the sleeping family are not 
aroused to let him in. His presence being ascertained next-day forenoon 
it is decided not to disturb him, especially as he had come down on a 
division line, and will answer for a landmark. 

And thus have we made it clear even to a Chinaman, that no tyrant 
can ever place his iron heel on a full-born American patriot. 




ROUSING A BOY. 

The average boy, when the frosty nights and cool mornings arrive, clings 
to the bed like tar to cotton, utterly ignoring the fact that he is depended 
on to light the fire on the family hearth-stone. The old gent turns over 
in bed about sunrise, and calls out, — 

" Solomon, it's six o'clock ! " 



ROUSING A BOY. 



Boy dreams of chasing a rabit into a hollow log, and while he is hunt- 
ing around for an ax the old man calls out — 
" Come, Solomon ! " 







Boy's dream changes, and he thinks he is husking corn to get money 
to go to Dan Rice's circus. He is making the ears fly when the old 
man rips out, — 





" Sol-o-mon Spring-brook ! " 

Boy moves uneasily, and dreams that he is playing base-ball, and he 
sees a crowd of admiring spectators seated on the top rails of the fences. 



1 6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

" If that boy don't 'rouse I'll make him think he's sent for ! " mutters 
the old man, as he looks at the clock ; and then sitting up in bed he 
shouts, — 

" Oh, Sol ! Oh, Sol ! " ■ 

The boy dreams that he is loafing around the Opera House door, and 
boring people for "checks," and he is about to get one when the old 




man slips up, pulls the quilts off, and hammers away at him with the harr 
brush, and chuckles, — 

" There ! I guess you won't want me to wake you up more than four- 
teen times more !" 

As the boy pulls on his pants and gets into his vest, he mentally de- 
clares that he'll run away that very day and become a pirate. 



THE NEW YEAR. 

Once more the whirligig of, time has yanked an old year out and a new 
one in. 

Glad on't. 

If there is anything lonesome and monotonous it is last year. The 
old year had a few charms, but the new one promises to give them half 
a mile the start and then go under the strin^: first. 



THE NEW YEAR. 1 7 

And yet one feels a trifle sad to part with the old year, when he comes^ 
to think it over. As memory's bob-tail car pulls us down the long- 
lane of the past, one looks out of the window at the well-remembered 
objects of former days, and his heart saddens. 

Where's the fat girl who rested her head on your bosom when the old 
year was new ? Gone — yes gone — slid out to take charge of the snake- 
cage in a travelling museum of natural wonders, and your wounded heart 
sorrowfully but vainly calls, — 

"Come back, fat girl — come back ! " 

Where's the alligator boots which sat around the festive board last 
New Years Day .? Where's the silk unbrella you left on the door-step 
that morning ? 

Where's the ton of coal and the jar of country butter you laid in about 
that time ? Where's the plumber who agreed to " come right up " and 
thaw that water-pipe out ? The sad wind sighing through the treeless 
leaves solemnly puckers its mouth and sadly answers, — 

" Gone up ! " 

One by one they have fallen beside the curbstone of life's dreary high- 
way, have been wept over and almost forgotten, while you and I have 
have been spared to put up stoves another time, and to have the land- 
lord raise the rent on us — drat him ! It makes one feel sad — especially 
the rent business. 

Farewell, old year ! If you go West to grow up with the country, or go 
South to run a steamboat, we hope you'll be honest, seek respectable 
company, and make your daily life a striking example for, and a terrible 
warning to, the man who goes around playing the string-game on unsus- 
pecting people. 

Welcome, New Year ! Howdy ? If convenient, give us some new clothes, 
a few thousand in cash, and a race-horse, and prove by your actions that 
you mean to do the right thing by a fellow. Give us some strawberry 
weather this month, wollop the pesky Indians into behaving themselves, 
and make it uncomfortable for grasshoppers and potato-bugs. Be around 
with some decent weather \vhen a fellow wants to go fishing, and let 'er 

2 



1 8 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

rain to kill when the women go out to exhibit their new bonnets. Do 
the fair thing by all of us, including New Jersey, and we won't stand by 
and see you abused. 




THE HUNDREDTH YEAR. 

M. quad's stump speech. 

The year ^876 is a big knot on the log. This American nation is a 
plump hundred years old this year; and every son of a gun is entitled 
to wear his hat on his ear. 

A hundred years ago King George picked up the boot-jack and said 
he guessed he could bring that Yankee son of his out of his tantrums. 
He tried it on, and he didn't have a good night's rest for seven years. 

A huTidred years ago this country was little better than a wilderness. 
Now we have just as big kerosene lamp explosions as any country on 
earth. 

" 'Rah ! 'Rah ! " 

A hundred years ago the sad-eyed wolf took his walks, for exercise, 
where now the roofs and spires of great cities may be seen. 

A hundred years ago there wasn't a steamboat on the lakes, nor a 
locomotive on wheels. Now a person can buy a full set of jewelry at 
any dollar store, for seventy-five cents. 

'' Hip 1 'Rah I " 



THE HUNDREDTH YEAR. 1 9 

A hundred years ago there wasn't a suspension bridge, canal, gas- 
works, water-works, paved street, mowing machine, reaper, stove or sew- 
ing machine in America. To-day we can look around us and find a law- 
yer on every corner, and go out almost any afternoon and witness a 
game of base-ball. 

" R-r-r-r-r-ah ! " 

The future of this country no man can predict. She'll keep right on 
tearing up the soil, whacking down the forests, digging under mountains, 
and bridging rivers, and by-and-by the Sandwich Islands will go home 
cross lots, rather than come around the corner and knock the chip off our 
shoulder. 
' " Houray for us ! " 

Set Him Back. — Going home a few evenings since, a resident of 
Cass street heard the voice of a boy in a stable, and looking through a 
broken window he saw a lad about ten years old, reading from a book to 
a group composed of half a dozen boys of about the same age. 

" Now isn't this nice!" chuckled the gentleman to himself; "these 
boys, crowded out of school, are still determined to secure an education." 

He took another look through the window, and then placed his ear to 
the broken pane and heard the boy read : 

"If the person who deals makes a misdeal, the cards may lie on the 
table only by the consent of all — " 

" Grashus ! " exclaimed the citizen, as he sprang from the window, " that 
boy's reading from Hoyle ! " 

A Missourian who attended prayer-meeting with his daughter felt com- 
pelled to rise up and remark : " I want to be good and go to heaven, but 
if those fellers don't stop winking at Mary, there will be a good deal of 
prancing around here the fust thing they know ! " 




First Month. 



JANUAR Y. 



3 1 Days. 





Suwtav 1 


^ 


9 


16 


23 


30 




Monday \ 


3 


lO 


17 


24 


31 




l^ucsday 1 


4 


II 


18 


25 






Wedncsda v \ 


5 


12 


19 


26 






Thursday \ 


6 


13 


20 


27 






Friday \ 


7 


14 


21 


28 






Saturday \ i 


s 


15 


2? 


29 





No eclipse in this month 
worth mentioning. 

Doubtabilities. — From ist 
to 5 th, good time to go 
huckleberrying. Whisky will 
cure snake-bites whether the 
snake bite or run. 

5th to loth. — Be kind to thy sister. Don't cheat at marbles. Good 
time for getting ready to go to Africa. Propitious season for subscrib- 
ing to newspapers. 

loth to 20th. — Thunder ! You'll say so if you happen to sit down on 
a buzz-saw. Commence working your mother-in-law out doors. Hook 
your wood at night. 

20th to 31st. — Wash your sheep and hang them out when a drying 
day comes. Finish working the mother-in-law, and hope she'll come 
again. Go over to the dog-fight. Good time to kill assessors. 

When Maria Brown, of La Crosse died, she had but one regret. She 
had lived with Brown twenty-four years and never had a bureau with 
drop-handles on it. 

"Thar' lays a man who'd give his last chaw of terbacker to a starvin' 
stranger, and then pay him for spitting," was the eulogy pronounced on 
William Hart, of Tennessee. 



JANUARY. 2 1 

" Castor Ile." — A policeman passing along Macomb street yester- 
day halted in front of a house which had two broken windows, and stick- 
ing his head through one of them he saw a man seated on a chair with 
his head bound up, other chairs broken to pieces, and the room looking 
as if a big row had taken place. 

"What's been the row here? " he asked of a woman who sat holding 
a baby on her lap. 

" You see that man there ? " she replied ; " well, he's my husband. 
The baby's sick, and he said give her castor ile, and I said goose grease." 

Night Expressions. — When a policeman, sauntering by a house at 
midnight, hears the owner jump out of bed, shake the coal stove down, 
and then pass over the cold oil-cloth in the dining-room, out through the 
kitchen and into the back end of the shed for a scuttle of coal, the offi- 
cer hurries off around the corner so as not to be within hearing distance 
of the man's expression of feelings over the hired girl's neglect of plainest 
duty. 

Knew What the Papers would Say. — As a citizen was passing along 
Griswold street yesterday, his wallet fell to the ground, and a boy picked 
it up and ran after him. The man opened the wallet, and then handing 
it to the lad he said, — 

" There isn't but forty cents in it, and if you'll come down to the office 
I'll give you whatever more is right. I know what the papers would say 
if they heard I didn't pay you for being honest, and I don't want 'em 
after me." 

Trouble Ahead. — A boy about twelve years old entered a Michigan 
avenue barber shop yesterday and asked the barber to cut his hair down 
close. The barber enquired if he wasn't afraid of catching cold, when 
the boy replied, — 

" I've got to run the chances, for there's trouble ahead. To-morrow 
is the day sot for me and a Sixth Ward boy to meet over behind Good- 
hue's barn and see who's the boss boy of Detroit ; and he's powerful at 
pulling hair. Cut 'er right down to the skulp ! " 



22 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

Appearances are Deceptive. — You can't always believe what a man 
says, any more than you can judge of his heart by the clothing he wears. 
The other night a policeman in the east end grabbed a negro who came 
running down a street at full speed, panting like a wind-brol:en horse, 
and the officer wanted to know why and wherefore the colored man was 
dusting around in that lively style at midnight's solemn hour. 

" Wife's sick — gwine for the doctor ! " gasped the man. 

" Where do you live ? " 

" Lemme go — can't stop — she's mos' dead ! " was the answer, yet in 
spite of this the officer pushed the African up against the fence, and a 
search brought to light two chickens, a clothes-line, a hatchet and a 
pair of boots, the same the property of some other man. 

Dead wSiLENCE. — A man about two-thirds drunk, was riding on a 
Fort street car yesterday, and he hadn't yet unbosomed himself when a 
nice-looking young man, highly scented, entered the car and took a seat 
opposite the inebriate. The perfume floated over, and the man snuffed 
and turned his head this way and that. He finally got his eyes on the 
young man, and pointing his finger at him inquired, — 

" Y-young man — d-do your f-feet smell — smell that way all the 
t-time ? " There was dead silence in the car. 

Correct Business Principles. — He was yelling " Black yer butes ! " 
in front of the post office yesterday, and chewing away at a monstrous 
quid of gum, when another boy came along and screamed, — 

" Say, Bill, s'posen ye let me chaw that for awhile, I'll give 'er back 
termorrer." 

"All right — give me a receipt." 

"What fur?" 

" What fur ! Why, s'posen ye happened to die to-night and I hadn't 
anything to show, how'd I ever git this gum back ? " 

The footprints of a Chicago lady on the prairie, near Michigan City 
got a crowd of men out to hunt for a stray elephant. 

The elephants in India are now holding indignation meetings, in self- 
defence, against this slander upon the gracefulness of elephantine pedal 
mud-pressers. 



JANUARY. 23 

Among the more reliable of the new household recipes, we find 
this, — 

To remove dandruff — Go out on the plains and insult an Indian. 



THE NEW WEATHER REPORTS. 

The fond mother is anxiously waiting the time when the Signal Ser- 
vice Bureau shall also keep track of disease and telegraph along the line 
what sort of sickness may be expected on the morrow. If the Bureau 
gets the matter down as fine as it has the weather, the dispatches will 
prove invaluable to every head of a family. When the morning paper is 
left on the step the mother will turn to " Sickness Dispatches," and 
read, — 

Cheyenne, 14th. — Measles passed here this morning, going east at 
the rate of twenty-four miles an hour. Don't let your children smell of 
anybody's breath. 

Omaha, 14th. — Pulse stands at 84 ; Omaha slightly hectic, but diges- 
tion good, and slept well last night ; .tongue slightly coated ; but the 
lake regions will probably escape. 

Milwaukee, i4th. — Rheumatism settling over the lowerlake regions; 
expect flying pains in the back and knees ; get trusted for new boots. 

Pike's Peak, 14th. — Whooping cough turning somersaults over the 
signal station ; get ready to whoop ; gas works open from 8 A. M. to 
5 P. M. Also indications of stratum of bilious colic j will center some- 
where in Illinois. 

Chicago, 14th. — In the Upper Mississippi and Lower Missouri val- 
leys expect the toothache and a good deal of cussin' around. Good 
time to argue political questions and make up old feuds. 

New York, 14th.— Lame leg and chills predicted for the New Eng- 
land States, with gripes and such in the Adirondack region. Don't go 
huckleberrying. 

Savannah, 14th. — Rush of blood to the head is predicted for the 
Gulf States, with occasional rushes for the camphor-bottle. May clear 



24 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

up after noon and dropsy set in. Use Fitznoodle's pills for all dropsical 
complaints. They cure like magic. Only twenty-five cents per box ; 
for sale at all respectable drug stores. 

Cincinnati, 14th. — Slight convulsions along the Ohio; look out foi 
the jaundice ; seems to be making south from here. Sage tea has ad- 
vanced to a dollar per pound ; beware of the dog ; liberal discount to 
editors and clergymen. 

Memphis, 14th. — Palpitation of the heart is predicted for this region, 
but she'll get over it ; a disposition to lie in bed until the old man builds 
the fire will also be apparent, good day for shooting your brother-in-law. 

Washington, 14th. — The old Harry's to pay all over the country, 
and no pitch hot ! Old pioneers who can thread a needle without the 
aid of spectacles, are going to be knocked higher than Gilderoy's kite 
to-morrow ! Bad day for comic lecturers ; keep fat meat away from the 
children ; telegraph your mother-in-law not to come ; if it clears off before 
noon expect nervous prostration and no supper ready. 



An Economical Boy. — A Detroit mother sent her boy to the store 
the other day to get her a linen dress, and he returned with fourteen' 
yards of black cambric. 

" I told you to get linen ! " she exclaimed, standing aghast. 

" I know it, but this is cheaper, and the clerk said that if any of us 
should happen to die you'd have a mourning dress in the house ! " was 
the cool reply. 

The Alternative. — An old man was leading a dog along Griswold 
street yesterday, when a boot-black took a fancy to the canine, and 
wanted to purchase him. 

" Oh, you couldn't raise a dollar," repHed the man, starting on. 

" I couldn't, eh ? " yelled the boy ; " well, you just wait. There's a 
ten thousand dollar feller over here who is engaged to my sister, and if 
I ask for scrip he's got to come down or I'll bust that match higher'n a 
liberty pole ! " 




Secofid MoJith. 



FEBRUARY. 



29 Day 



Sufida V 



Monday 



Tuesday \ 1 



Wednesday 



Thursday 



Friday 



6 I 13 I 20 I 27 I 



7 I 14 I 21 I 28 



29 



16 



23 



o I 17 I 24 I 



I I 18 I 25 I I 



Saturday \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 



A good deal of snow which 
should have fallen several 
years ago will come now. 

One eclipse this month, 
visible only in Siberia. For 
particulars, see small bills. 

DoUBTABILITIES. ISt, 2nd 

and 3rd will be springy days. You will want to spring behind the 
stove. 

4th to 9th. — Balmy, with four feet of snow to back it. Good weather 
for cross-eyed cats. 

9th to i6th. — Lower Lake regions all O. K. Just the season for ship- 
ping old clothes to your relatives. 

i6th to 25th. — Look out for lightning. Get out your white pants and 
see if they want patching. Go and see your girl. Good time to propose 
to a schoolma'am. 

25th to 28th. — Hurricanes in the Sandwich Islands. Rumors now of 
the failure of the peach-crop. Good season for sliding down hill on a 
shingle. Hitching-posts begin to put on a spring look. 

" I'm. going where I won't have to cook beans ! " was the farewell sen- 
tence of an Ohio woman who left this vale of tears a few days since. 

The first thing a Vermont girl does, when old enough to have a beau, 

25 



2 6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

is to poison the family watch-dog. She knows the cause of there being 
so many single women in the Eastern States. 

Twelve bald-headed men were drawn on a Jury at Cairo, and the 
judge refused to go on with the case until six of them were replaced by 
good and true men. He said that his court-room couldn't be made a 
circus of, no how. 

A Prompt Man. — Yesterday, as a negro was painting his house on 
Watson street, and was nearly at the top of a long ladder, his wife came 
out and called to him to come down. Just at that moment a rung broke 
and the man came down like a- bag of sand, rolled over two or three 
times, jumped up and said, — 

"Well, honey, go on wid your remarks ! " 

Not Particular. — A wild-eyed man, carrying his hat in his hand, 
entered the Lake Shore depot yesterday, and called out to a man who 
was wheeling a baggage truck along, — 

" Where's the train ? " 

What train ? " 

" Any train — any train ! My wife isn't ten rods behind ; and she's 
got an ax-handle over her shoulder, and sulphur in her eyes ! " 

The other day Justice Potter was called upon to marry a couple on. 
Fort street east, and he was asking the bridegroom, — 

" You promise to love, cherish, etc.," when the young man blurted 
out, — 

" See here ! I want a fair understandings about this things. Does that 
mean that I've got to take care of her whole family, or only herself? "' 

His Honor explained, and Xhe };oung man continued, — 

"Well, go ahead. I only wanted to know how much of the family I 
was marrying." 

Slightly Altered. — W^hile a man was guzzling drink in a Larned 
street saloon yesterday, a little ragged girl entered, and sought him out, 



FEBRUARY. 27 

and instead of requesting him to come home, dear father, as poor brother 
Benny was dead, and the house was all dark, she whispered, — 

" Now, old man, you'd better be dusting out o' here. Mam's coming 
around the corner with a club in her hand and both eyes shooting fire ! " 

Was Waiting. — A stranger was Saturday making some inquiries of a 
policeman in regard to the price of real estate in the city, having about 
made up his mind to settle here. He had on such a fearful dirty shirt 
that the officer M^as forced to remark about it, when the man replied, — 
"Well, I've kinder been waiting to see whether I should buy or not, and 
as soon as I can make up my mind about it I'm going to put on a clean 
one." 

He Would Try It. — A man about fifty years old, living in Bedford 
Township, called at the office of the Mutual Gas Company the other 
day, having a two-quart pail in his hand, and he asked : " Is this where 
they sell gas ? " " Yes, sir, we can furnish you gas, " replied the clerk. 
" Well, " said -the old man, as he pulled the cover off his pail, " I've 
heard a good deal about gas, and my wife's heard a good deal about gas, 
and I'll take two quarts along and try it. How much is it a quart.?" 
When he was informed that gas was a vapor, and the method of burning 
it was explained, he sighed and said : '' Hannah will be awfully disap- 
pointed." 

Wanted it to Count. — Yesterday a half-drunken fellow, armed with 
a club, came out of a saloon on Jefferson avenue, and as he brandished 
his weapon around he yelled, — 

" I'm a-going to kill some one ! " . 

An elderly man, who looked as if he had experienced a good deal of 
suffering, halted and asked, — 

" Have you any particular choice whom you kill .?" 

" No, sir — find me some one ! " was the answer. 

"Well, I don't encourage murder," continued the oldish man, " but if 
you must kill some one, I hope you'll knock over a tar and gravel roofer 
that promised to roof my house before that last shower ! " 



28 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



He Paused There. — A man took a seat on the head of an empty 
flour barrel on Michigan Grand avenue, Saturday, and remarked : " I 




got down the gun and loaded her up heavy, and just as I was " At 

this point the head fell in, and the man, or about half of him, disap- 
peared, while his legs loomed up like schooners' masts. He was helped 




out and a boy hired to rub sweet oil on his back, but in spite of the 
earnest entreaties of the crowd, he would not go on with the story. 



FEBRUARY. 



29 



He Knew How. — At an auction of household goods on Harrison 
avenue yesterday, when a woman made a bid on an old bureau worth 
about two dollars, a boy slipped around to another woman and whispered, — 

" You see that woman over there with a blue bow on ? " 

"Yes." 

" Well, she says that no woman with a red nose can buy anything at 
this sale ! '' 

The woman with the red nose pushed her way into the crowd and run 
the price of the bureau up to $12, and as it was knocked down to her 
she remarked, — 

" I may have a red nose, but no cross-eyed woman with a blue bow on 
can bluff me ! " 

As they entered a dry goods store you would have said that love dwelt 
in both hearts, and that a dove of peace roosted on every shingle on the 
roof of their abiding place. She saw a lovely dress, and she begged him 
to buy, but he replied : "I can't, darling, not before next week." " Can't 
you, dear.^ " she smiled. "Well, I will wait." They had hardly passed 
out the door before he said, — " I'd like to see myself getting that dress ! " 
And she answered, — " You couldn't buy one side of it, and if you could, 
you are too stingy and mean to do it ! " 

Talk about stamina in female character ! But there is a mother in 
Detroit who will sit on the corner of the bureau and read a dime novel 
half through before she becomes aware that her baby has been howling 
for thirty-five minutes. 

Old Age is Ever Innocent. — "I declare, Joseph," sighed a Detroit 
mother, as she sat putting on a patch on young Joseph's pants, " they 
must have awful hard seats in school. This is the fourth time I've had 
to patch these pants in two weeks." 

"They have, mother," he promptly replied ; "just tears a boy all to 
pieces." 

(The. old lady ought to see him riding down hill on a shingle, with the 
American flag sticking up alongside his ear.) 




Third Month. 



MARCH. 



31 Days. 



Sunday \ \ ^ | 12 | 19 | 26 | 




Monday \ \ 6 | i.^ | 20 | 27 | 




Tuesday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 




Wednesdav \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 j 




Thursday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 




Friday \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 | 




Saturday \ 4 | it i 18 | 25 | | 





John Smith was born this 
month. High and low winds 
— no one but- blind men 
allowed to stand on the cor- 
ners. 

Palm trees in Africa begin 
palm-leaf out. 

DouBTABiLiTiES — ist to sth — Simoons ; let 'em sigh. 

5th to loth — The bed-bug begins to come out of his winter lair,' Get 
your pizen ready to lair-rup him. 

loth to 19th — Don't go blackberrying with white pants on. Regular 
season for newspaper attacks on Dr. May Walker. 

19th to 27th — Clear — clear out of coal and preserves. Preserve 
your equanimity. Oyster cans and old bottles in the back-yard begin to 
sprout. 

27th to 31st — Don't amount to shucks, and are a useless expense. 
Rent begins to fall due ; due 'unto your landlord. 



Just think, if you swear off using tobacco and wearing clothes after 
the first of January, you can save $5 per week at least, and $5 per week 
for 1,000 years is $260,000. 
30 



MARCH. 31 

He Wouldn't Steal. — Saturday morning a policeman observed a 
boy skulking along Congress street with an ax on his shoulder, and he 
hailed him with, — 

" Here, young man ! where did you steal that ax? " 

"Nowhere, sir — I wouldn't steal for all the world." 

"But I believe you hooked this ax somewhere." 

" No, sir, I didn't — my brother Tom stole it, and I'm taking it home 
for him ! " 

Nothing Serious Meant. — In one of the omnibuses coming up 
from the depot yesterday, a good-looking young man happened to be 
seated near a good-looking young lady. He handed up her bundles, 
drew the robes over her, and was otherwise attentive. The ventilator 
was open, and as he felt a strong draft of air coming in, he started to 
say : " I propose that some one shut that ventilator," but he had only got 
as far as " I propose — " when the young lady blushed and whispered, — 
" Why, I don't even know your name yet ! " 

More Down There. — A young man of twenty was buying some fruit 
at a stand on Jefferson avenue yesterday when several persons gathered 
around to look at his feet, which were truly monstrous in size. A man 
asked him if they were not deformed, or crippled, or something, when 
he lifted one of them up and asked, — 

" Do you call that a big foot ? " 

" Great shiners ! but it's an awful foot ! " 

"Well, if you call that big, I wish you'd come down to the depot and 
see the rest of the family — see some reg'lar feet ! " said the young man 
as he paid for his purchase. 

He Knows. — A Michigan Avenue druggist has studied human n attire 
to some purpose. When a woman enters his store, and hesitatingly asks 
after some corrosive sublimate, " to poison rats with, " he replies, — 

" Yes, 'um. Be careful and not inhale it, and if you apply thoroughly 
the bugs won't need a second dose." 



32 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

No human being can cut a pie into six pieces and convince six chil- 
dren that one of their number hasn't got a piece just a trifle the largest. 

She Didn't. — Yesterday when two ferry boats came near having a 
collision in mid-stream some one called out that a lady on one of the 
boats was going to faint. 

" Where is she ? " shouted the captain, rushing up stairs. 

"Here — here!" called a woman who was supporting the terrified 
one. 

" Well, she can faint if she wants to — her fare is paid," replied the 
captain as he walked away. 

Then she got mad and wouldn't. 

Mrs. Rose, of Connecticut, said she would hang herself if Rose wasn't 
home at eight o'clock. When he came in at nine she was suspended to 
a beam, cold and dead, and he rubbed his hands and whispered, " There's 
a woman who couldn't tell a lie ! " 

They Hadn't Any. — A motherly old lady, travelling alone, was eat- 
ing dinner at one of the hotels yesterday, when she called out to the 
waiter : 

"Say, have you any cow-cumbers cut up in vinegar?" 

" No, ma'am we haven't," answered the waiter. 

" Wall, it's just about as well," remarked the old lady ; "I s'pose they'd 
give me the colic if I ate any." 

All Mixed Up. — A little old man from Canada, who was yesterday 
waiting at the Grand Trunk depot for a train, asked several passengers 
what time the train left, and as no one could tell he walked over to a 
time-table to see for himself. After looking at it for a good while he 
was heard saying, — 

" Mail arrives at 6 p. m. ; express at 9 a. m. ; mail departs at 2:35 p. m. ; 
close connection made with the 3 o'clock train east over the Great West- 
ern. Well, if this 'ere travelling hain't about as mixed up a mess as 
huckleberries and milk." 




Fourth Alonth. 



APRIL. 



30 Days. 



Sunday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 




Monday \ \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 




Tuesday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 




Wednesday \ \ 5|i2|i9|26| 




Thursday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 




Friday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 




Saturday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 





Good time to dig wells; 
also to dig crib. 

Charter elections out 
West this month — 'rah f'r 
Johnson ! We'll elect our 
constable or bust this coun- 
try. 

Geese begin to mate — not mate-erial whether they are married in 
church or by a Justice. 

Most time for your mother-in-law to return. 

Partial eclipse this month — can be seen from the bridge. 

DouBTABiLiTiES — ist to ist and a half — 0000. From thence to the 
7th more yet. 

7th to 13th — Regular April weather, weather you like it or not. 

13th to 20th — Clams now sing their sad melodies along the banks of 
the Erie Canal. 

20th to 25th — Nevada papers begin to lie about the number of wild 
geese a man can shoot in that State before breakfast. 

25th- to 30th — Get out your steamboat and prepare to sail the raging 
main. 

3 Z2> 



34 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

This month might have had 31 days if anyone had spoken up in 
time. 

Will the young men of America permit a red-headed Englishman to 
\vin the hand of Queen Emma of the Sandwich Islands ? 

This world would be a sandy desert of lonesomeness if women were 
not privileged to attend auction sales and pay more for an old bureau 
than a new chamber set would cost. 

Sunday schools deserve to flourish and multiply, but when a Rhode 
Island man has to break his son's ribs to make him attend, somethinsf's 
wrong somewhere. 

Just as Mad. — A finely-dressed lady slipped and fell near the post- 
office yesterday, and the boot-black who assisted her to her feet inquired : 
■" Did you break any bones, madam ? " " No I guess not," she replied, 
^' but I'm just as mad as if I had broken a dozen of 'em ! " 

Promoted, — A boy who had served in a Grand River avenue grocery 
•store for two weeks came home highly elated the other night and told his 
father he had been promoted. 

" How ? " asked the old man. 

"Why, I've been down cellar all the time sorting over potatoes, and 
now they've raised me upstairs to pick over beans ! " 

Had a Bet. — An aged colored individual stepped into a store on 
Woodward Avenue, Saturday, and asked how the thermometer stood. 

" A hundred and forty-nine degrees below zero ! " replied one of the 
clerks. 

"Is dat a fax?" exclaimed the old man; "den I've lost two dollars. 
I jist made a bet it war a hundred an' fifty ! " 

Won't Find Him. — An individual who had to step very high to avoid 
the floor yesterday entered the Central Station, and securing a firm hold 
of the railing ni front of the desk he inquired of the sergeant, — 

" H-has anybody f-fouud Charles Ross yet ? " 

"Not that I've heard of," was the reply. 



APRIL. 35 

" D-do you w-want me to find h-him ? " 

'"Yes, or I'd like to find him myself." 

" Well, zur, give me a bouncing old d-drink of whisky and I'll f-find 
him ! " 

" Ah ! I see — you are a dead beat and half drunk now," replied the 
sergeant. 

" Then you won't give me a d-drink ? " . 

" No, sir, I won't." 

" Very well, then," said the man, waving his hand and turning away, 
" then I w-won't find Charles Ross ! " 



All the axes and bucksaws found in the ruins of Pompeii are of light 
ake, as if co 
little business. 



make, as if constructed for women's use. Those old ancients knew their 



Charitable. — Yesterday morning as a blind fiddler was sawing away 
on the corner of Woodward and Jefferson avenues, a stranger hailing 
from Ohio halted before him and said, — 

" Are you blind ?" 

" Yes, sir. " 

"Can't see anything?" 

" Not a thing. " 

" Not even a house ? " 

" No, sir. " 

" Poor man, I'm sorry for you. I don't suppose you make half a dol- 
lar a day at fiddling, and if you were only down where I live I'd get you 
a job driving team or working on the cars ! " 

" What is worse than to have your mother-in-law plump in on to you at 
this season ?" asks the St. Louis Republican. Nothing, young man, ex- 
cept to have your father-in-law plump in with her. 

An American woman, travelling in the Holy Hand, didn't see but one 
thing to remind her of home, and that was a hog roving in a garden. It 
made her homesick right away. 




Hl^^I I! u 



Fifth Month. 



MAY. 



31 Days. 



Sunday \ \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 




Monday \ \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 




Tuesday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 




IVednt'sday \ \ 3I10I17I24I31 




Thursday | | 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 




Fj'iday \ \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 




Saturday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 





Centennial now begins. 

— Whoop ! 
I earthquake this month 

— send in your orders early. 
Alligators down toward 

New Orleans, and old maids 
up in Maine, begin to feel 

hungry for a man. 

DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 2nd — get on your arctic overshoes and furs^ 
and go out and be Queen of the May. 

3d to 7th— Cold in the head. Also, cold in Greenland. Hard weather 
on the ambitious sunflower. 

7th to i6th — Good time to sweep out and make up the beds and get 
ready for spring. The ivy begins to climb, so do the vagrants brought 
before His Honor. 

i6th to 2ist — Daniel Boone was born around here somewhere. 
Lamp-posts begin to bud out, and the boxes around corner-stores seem 
endowed with life. The happy birds are now ready to receive sealed 
proposals for the erection of nests. Right reserved to reject any or all 
bids. 

2istto 31st — Take down your stoves; put 'em up again. Mother- 
in-law arrives. 
36 



MAY. 37 

Wanted an Increase. — A wholesale house in Detroit has a colored 
porter who is much given to exaggeration and downright lying, but being 
willing and industrious his failing has been overlooked. The other day, 
however, he lied about the shipment of a box, and the chief clerk called 
him up and said, — 

" See here, Tom, you are a great liar. '' 

" Yes, sah, " respectfully replied the porter. 

"And the truth is not in you." 

" No, sah. " 

" You would rather lie than tell the truth. " 

" I specks so, sah. " 

" Well, Thomas, I've concluded not to put up with your pernicious 
habit any longer. The next time I catch you in a lie you'll have to 
travel." 

" Yes, sah." 

" But I want to know if you intend to reform -r- if you mean to stop 
lying.?" 

" I dunno, boss. " 

" Won't you promise ? " 

"Well, de fax am, I'm working here at powerful low wages," answered 
Thomas, scratching his head, " and I don't believe I shall stop lyin' till 
de cashier performs me dat de wages hez been riz ! " 

He is there yet on the old salary, and his morals haven't improved any 

You Can't Always Tell. — It was a handsome looking cottage, and 
the passer-by would have said to himself that the angel of bliss and the 
dove of peace swung on the door-knobs and turned handsprings through 
every room. And yet, yesterday noon a man's voice was heard calling 
out, — 

"Jane, oh! Jane — them pertaters hez biled dry! Come in here! 
blast ye, come in ! " 

And she was heard replying, — 

" Git up 'n take the kettle off, you old noodle-head, and don't blast me 
or I'll break another rib for ye ! " 



38 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

Saving up Lucre. — "There," said a Detroit father to his son, " there 
are two cents. Start a savings' bank with it to-day, and I'll give you 
another two cents to-morrow." 

The boy handled the money awhile, and his countenance was illumin- 
ated by a sweet smile, as he replied, — 

" I guess I'll buy gum with the two cents and start the bank on the 
two cents to-morrow ! " 

Where Was it? — A boy aged about sixteen stepped into a Griswold 
street barber-shop Saturday, and took a seat with the remark, — 

" I guess I'll have this mustache shaved off." 

The barber shook out the apron, sharpened his razor, mixed the lather, 
and as he stood beside the chair, he said, — 

"Well, I'm ready any time you can tell me where the mustache is." 

Can't be Caught Again. — One of the Chinese washermen on Larned 
street West, has been in the habit' of begging candy of a grocer's clerk 
on the same street, and has been a great bore. The other day the clerk 
filled a gum-drop with cayenne pepper and it was handed to " John " 
with three or four others. He went home to eat them, and some boys 
who followed him, heard coughs and yells in the laundry, followed by a 
fall over a chair, and the Chinaman jumped out-doors, mouth wide open, 
and sat down where the whistling breeze could blow into it and cool off 
the young Vesuvius. 

Getting Even. — The other day an old fellow from Delaware, going 
West on a Michigan Central train, stepped off the coach as it reached 
Ypsilanti, and slipping on the icy platform, went flat down and broke a 
a leg. Everybody sympathized with him in his misfortune, but he waved 
his hand, and replied, — 

" It's all right — no one to blame but myself. My old woman was 
laid up for two years, and now I've got a chance to get even with her. 
If she don't have to do some tall dusting around and sitting up nights, 
then my name isn't Jordan ! " 



MAY. 39 

The Man Who Swore Off. — He had been in the habit of taking three 
or ff)ur " nips " per day, for the last fifteen years, but on New Year's 
morning he arose and said to his wife, — 

" Mary Jane Shiner, here I've been squandering a dollar per week for 
more than a dozen years ! " 

" But I thought you said a glass now and then aided your digestion," 
she replied. 

" All fudge and nonsense," he continued ; " that was only an excuse 
to satisfy my own conscience. 

" And I've heard you say that it made you sleep better — helped you 
to have a clear head," she said. 

"Nonsense — worst kind of bosh! I've drank up |8oo in the last 
dozen years, and it hasn't benefited me one cent." 

" Well 1 " 

"Well, I'm going to quit. I'm going to commence now. No more 
drinks for Shiner after this ! " 

"Good boy — noble husband," she said, patting him on the chin; 
" now you begin to talk like a Roman — now you are going to test your 
stamina ! " 

Shiner felt puffed up with pride for an hour or two, and then began 
to feel a goneness along down his throat. He drank water, cold coffee 
ancj milk, and got through with the day ; although when he went to bed 
he dreamed that he was a flask of brandy and that a member of Congress 
was carrying him in his coat-tail pocket. At midnight he awoke with his 
thumb in his mouth, just on the point of taking a ten cent drink, and at 
daylight he inquired of his wife whether it was the year 1875 or 1876. 

That forenoon while he sat in his office, a meek-looking stranger 
entered, took a paper from his pocket, and said that he was soliciting 
aid for the Kansas grasshopper sufferers. 

" Grasshoppers be hanged ! " exclaimed Shiner. " The next fraud who 
comes in here will get his neck broken ! " 

His. chief clerk spoke to him about ordering some goods, and he 
whirled afound and said he wouldn't order another dollar's worth of 



40 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

goods in ten years. A young man called to secure a place, and Shiner 
threw the coal-stove shaker and hit him on the ear. 

When he went to dinner he flattered himself a little that he had suc- 
ceeded in curbing his inclination to drink, and his wife patted him on the 
shoulder and whispered, — 

" Samuel, you have got more stamina in you than the Czar of Rus- 
sia ! " 

Going down town again, he entered a saloon and asked the saloon- 
keeper if he honestly thought that a moderate amount of brandy would 
affect the health. The saloon-keeper was sure it wouldn't. The bottles 
looked good to Shiner, and there was a pleasant smell as he leaned over 
the bar. 

When he reached his office he kicked a chair over, hoisted a spittoon 
across the room, and sat down and dated a letter 1877. ^ ^^^Y called 
to have him subscribe something for a new Sunday-school, and he 
bristled up and yelled, — 

" No, sir, not a red ! Sunday-schools are killing the interests of this 
country ! " 

After about an hour he went out and asked a doctor if three drinks of 
gin per day would hurt any one. The doctor thought not, if they were 
light drinks. Returning to the office. Shiner hunted up an old brandy 
bottle, and sat and held it for a long time, and wondered how they were 
made, and then threw it into the coal-box and went out on the street and 
asked a life-insurance agent if two or three drinks a day would hurt a 
man. " Of course they wouldn't," replied the agent. Going home to 
supper, Shiner asked three more men, and they all replied, "No." When 
he reached home, he said the biscuits weren't fit for cannibals, gave the 
girl warning to leave, and called his wife's brother, who was there on a 
visit, a hump-backed, wilful liar. 

When Shiner went down town in the evening he asked three more 
doctors if a little brandy was hurtful. Then he went into a saloon and 
asked for some pop. He was a good while in drinking it, and then he 
asked to look at the label on a brandy-bottle. When he had read it he 



MAY. 41 

looked to see if the cork was in very tight, and asked the saloon-keeper 
if he thought brandy would hurt any one. 

When Shiner reached home that hight he threw his wallet at his wife, 
told the hired girl that she might stay there 5,000 years, begged his 
wife's brother's pardon, and, as he turned a handspring in the parlor, he 
broke out with — 



** So, farewell, Mary Ann, 
You must do the best you can." 



Shiner was tight. 



HE ACCEPTS. 

The following correspondence has passed between the Centennial 
Committee of Invitation and Red Cloud the noted Indian Chief : — 

Philadelphia, October, 1875. 
Mister R. C. Dear Si? : — We shall be pleased to have you exhibit 
your scalp-lock at the Centennial some time in May next. Will your 
professional duties permit you to leave home at that time ? 

Very truly 



Out West, October, 1875. 
White Men. 5/W .• — Heap glad! Red Cloud big Injun! Owns 14 
squaws, and 2 hoss ! Me be there ! Bring 200 scalps along ! Ugh ! 



R. C. 



CHINESE TIME. 



The Chinese have a curious but very remarkable method of keeping 
time. If a Chinaman borrows five dollars of you and agrees to return 
it in three days you can't catch sight of him for three weeks. If you 
borrow five dollars of him and agree to return it in three weeks he calls 
at the end of three days and demands his cash. 



,^'rm-iMryfy'.::^'nB^. 







Sixth Month. 



.JUNE. 



30 Days. 



Sunday \ \ 4 | u | 18 | 2^ | 




Mom/ay \ \ .S | 12 | 19 | 26 | 




Tuesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 




Wednesday \ \ 7|i4|2i|28| 




Thursday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 




I'Viday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 




Saturday | 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | ( 


( 



Begin to save money now 
for the Fourth of July. 

SKfMMERHORN" was born in 
this month. Safe now to <<et 
your hair cut. Old potatoes 
seem to have lost their melo- 
dious taste. Butter can't 
cany a stiff back-bone It is doubtful if this month has over thirty 
days. 

Doup/rAHiLiTiES. — ist to 3d — All nature puts on the biggest kind of 
a grin, apple trees slinging their blossoms around as if money didn't cost 
anything. 

3d to 7th — First circus arrives in town. No respectable lady will 
travel under the canvas in order to avoid encouraging wicked institutions. 
Seems to be a good many folks getting married and laying in wholesale 
stocks of future misery. 

7th to 17th — Not the leasfsign of snow. 

17th to 22d — Corn gets so high and tough that the crows meet in 
convention and want to know what this country is coming to. 

22d to 30th — No more skating. Lightning-rod agents begin to out- 
number the lawyers. 
42 



JUNE. 43 

Had Rights. — The other day, as a woman was crossing Gratio 
street, a team brushed her so closely that she fell down. The driver 
halted and asked if she were hurt, adding: 

"You ought to know more than to walk in the middle of the street." 

" I had, eh ?" she yelled in a shrill voice, as she brushed the dust from 

her apron ; " well, I want you to understand, sir, that I've got just as 

much right in the road, sir, as any old red hoss which was ever harnessed 

up, sir ! " 

General Jackson once made a dinner of a crust of bread and a cup of 
water, and when a Cairo wife complains of the scarcity of provisions, her 
husband asks her if she is any better than General Jackson. 

A TALL stranger entered a saloon, and pulling off his coat, inquired : 
" Is there anybody here who wants to lick me ? " "Yes ! Yes ! " ex- 
claimed half a dozen loafers in chorus, as they rose up. " I thought 
there was ! " coolly replied the stranger, as he opened the door and 
walked out. 

Only Two. — A teacher of a select school got hold of a new pupil 
the other day, and in testing his general intelligence she asked him : 

" How many seasons are there in a year ? " 

" Two," he promptly replied. 

" Aren't there more than two ? " 

" No. " 

"What are they?" 

" Summer, when I go barefooted, and winter, when I wear dad's old 
boots." 

Good Reasons. — "Hi! Samuel, has you moved yit? " inquired one 
colored man of another whom he met at the central market, yesterday. 
" No, I'se still in the old place," was the answer. " But I war' told dat 
you war' gwine to git out ob de neighborhood," continued the first. 
" Wall, I did make up my mind to; but you see de family next door, and 
de family on the corner, and de family 'cross de street have left dvvc, 
woodpiles out doors, and I doesn't desire to change." 



44 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

They tried to scare a Toledo man in Missouri by threatening to tar 
and featlier him, but he replied, — " Come on with your old tar — I've 
been there six times, and I've got a receipt for washing it off 1 " 

The other evening, as bed-time approached for the two young sons of 
a Second street family, the smaller, a lad of six, stood before his father 
and said : " Father, they say it's dreadful unhealthy for two persons to 
sleep together, and if you can't get another bed for Bill, you'd better sell 
him and get me a velocipede ! " 

Guessed They Would. — While two boys were yesterday talking over 
the gate of a house on Beach street, sounds of blows and yells were 
heard from the house, and one of them asked : 

" What's that ? Father and mother having a fight ? " 
" No — that's Mariar and ma," replied the other boy. " Mariar wants 
to marry a policeman, while ma wants her to marry a duke or a lord, and 
I guess the old lady will bring her to time by and by ! " 

A Troy man has the presence of mind to warm his nose by a coal- 
stove before kiss.'ng his wife, and a Boston man always waits until he can 
chew a clove. 

The other day, when a house at Scranton fell into a coal pit, the old 
widow explained that something was always sure to happen to spoil her 
emptings if they looked flattering. 

Getting Around To It. — Yesterday, after purchasing two cents' 
worth of liquorice drops at a drug store, a woman asked to see some 
toilet soap. She handled over the cakes absently, and then asked to see 
some hair brushes. She compared the several styles and said she 
guessed she'd look at some coarse combs ! She handled the stock over, 
looked around, and finally whispered : 

"A neighbor sent down by me to get a fine comb. Have you any? " 
One was wrapped up and she skipped out, having been only half an 
hour getting around the delicate question. 




Seventh Afonfh. 



JULY. 



I Days. 



Sunday \ \ 2 \ 9 | 16 | 23 | 36 


Mom/ay \ | 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 


Tuesday \ | 4 | it | 18 | 25 | 


Wednesday \ \ 5|i2|i9|26| 


Thursday \ | 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 


Friday \ | 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 


Saturday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 



Liberty was born in the 
month of July. Mother is 
doing as well as circum- 
stances permit. 

This is the haying season. 
Don't make hay while the 
sun shines; make it along in 
the cool of the evening, and you won't spoil so many paper collars. 

There will be an eclipse this month ; but as it doesn't belong to your 
church, let it slide. 

Salt Creek was discovered this month. 
DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 3rd. — Not worth a red. 

3rd to 4th. — Whoop ! hurrah ! for all of us, and more, too ! Let the 
glorious emblem of American liberty be unfolded to the balmy breeze of 
American Independence, so to say. Unchain the eagle, — let loose the 
militia, — bring out the fire companies ! and get some man with a cold in 
his head to read the Declaration of Independence ! Philadelphia, ablaze 
with glory. William Penn's bob-tailed coat hangs on the same peg with 
General Washington's Sunday hat ! General Putnam's old jack-knife 
grins lovingly at General Lafayette's old wallet.! 

4th to loth. — Remove the remains. 
45 



46 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

loth to i6th. — Headache all gone. Begin to lay up money for Christ- 
mas. Chain lightning playing pull-away up among the stars. Vegeta- 
tion dusting right smart. 

1 6th to 31st. — Cut your bean-poles for next year. Disposition on the 
part of young folks to ignore onions. Ice cream doesn't taste like the 
ice cream of twenty years ago. Remember the poor. Some of your 
nearest neighbors may be suffering for the want of a ton of coal. 

The Centennial. — Go down in May and stay all summer. 

You may not feel well when 1976 comes, and you'll wish you had at- 
tended this show. 

Its going to cover more than a corner-lot, and there'll be room for 
your whole family and the neighbor's boys. Go in at the front-door, 
and come out through the roof, and don't miss a thing. 

Board anywhere, put up with anything, and strive to be happy. 
Telegraph your folks that it is a big thing, and that you are going to see 
it out if you never own another mule in your life. 

Take along something to add interest to the occasion, and make .you 
feel as though you owned the biggest share in the establishment.- 

Bow to the Arab, nod to the Chinaman, shake hands with the Turk, 
wink at the Sepoy, smile at the Egyptian, and hold out your hand to the 
Russian, and ask him if his folks are usually well. 

A Centennial doesn't grow on every bush, and it isn't once a year 
that a nation celebrates the one hundredth anniversary of its independ- 
ence. Doors open at half-past seven ; performance commences at eight. 
No premium chromos or prize-candy packages will be given out with 
this exhibition, but every child will be permitted to lift a thousand 
pounds on a lifting-machine, and parents can buy fifteen rolls of wall 
paper for the paltry sum of one dollar — only one dollar. 

The company of yourself and lady is respectfully solicited. 



JULY. 47 

Was Mistaken. — While a stranger was waiting at the corner of 
Woodward and Jefferson avenues, yesterday, to take a car, a boy came 
spooning around him, and finally inquired : 

" Don't you want a boy to learn the printer's trade ? " 

"What — where — I'm no printer — I've no office," replied the man. 

"Ain't you a Lake Superior editor? " continued the boy, in a surprised 
tone. 

" No, I'm not ; what made you think so ? " 

"Them feet ! " whispered the boy, backing off, and pointing to the 
stranger's enormous pedals. Conversation ceased at this juncture, but 
the boy kept feeling behind him, as he walked olf, to see if anything was 
going to hit him. 

Brigham Young has entirely recovered his health, and the sound of a 
barrel stave, hooping it to his children, is once more heard in the land. 

Yesterday, as a policeman was strolling past a house on Fort street, 
east, a woman, a year or two over forty, having her sleeves rolled up and 
her hands covered with flour, ran out to the gate and called to him. 

" It's a little delicate," she said, as she leaned over the gate and tried 
to blush, " but I'm a person that knows my rights ; and, besides, I'm all 
alone in the world and no one to advise me." 

" Speak your mind freely, madam," replied the officer, tapping on the 
pickets with his baton. 

" You know all about the law, don't you ? " she inquired. 

^' Everything, madam. I can tell you how to go to work in an admir- 
alty case, and bring you from that down through divorce, bankruptcy, 
arson, burglary, false pretenses, hitching a horse to a shade tree, and 
getting intoxicated." 

" It's a little delicate," she softly said, as she rubbed the flour off her 
hands, " but, as I said before, I'm all alone." 

"Trust me, madam, repose confidence in me," he replied, swelling out 
his chest. 

" Wel-1, s'posen you were a widow ? " 

" Yes, madam." 



48 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

"And s'posen one of the boarders gave you a breastpin?" 

" I see, madam." 

" And s'posen he smiled at you, and sent you poetry, and asked you to 
ride out on Sunday, and the neighbors whispered around that you were 
engaged ? " 

"Proceed, madam — I congratulate you." 

" No, you mustn't ; fors 'posen, after all this, he suddenly began to claw 
off, and didn't smile on you anymore, and didn't praise your cooking, 
and took another woman to the minstrel show ? " 

" Ah ! the traitor ! Perhaps he has transferred his affection to some 
one else." 

"That's what I think. I know it's a little delicate, but I'm all alone 
in the world, you see, and I want to know if there isn't a law to bear on 
him. It isn't right to go and encourage a lone woman like me, and then 
claw off." 

" He ought to be roasted alive, he had ! " 

"I don't know as I'd want him arrested, but I'd like to have you call 
on him and make threats. Tell him he's liable to State Prison for claw- 
ing off this way. I tell you it's a pretty serious thing to go and encour- 
age a woman of my age, and then skulk around behind the hen-coop "all 
of a sudden. Isn't there a law ? " 

" Let's see ? I hardly think there is." 

" Well, you can call on him. Take him alone — look fierce — have 
your hand-cuffs in sight. Just tell him that you know all about it, and 
that I'm good-hearted, pleasant, rich, and that he better be careful how 
he prances around, or he'll think a tornado struck him." 

The officer promised, and she rubbed a cloud of flour off her hands, 
and ran up the path with a light heart. 

Weights and Measures. — Fifteen ounces of butter generally make 
a pound at most grocery stores. 

In measuring oats use a ten-foot tape-line. 

Two quarts of berries is a pint measure three times full. Tell the 
purchaser that they settled down. 



JULY. 49 

A COMMON two-quart pail will hold four pints of water. 

A BAG of paper-rags will weigh fifteen pounds, if the grocer doesn't dis- 
cover the seven-pound cobblestone which accidentally dropped in with 
the ravelings. 

A TON of coal, if you are on hand to see it weighed, weighs 2,000 lbs. 
If you aren't there, it shrinks from 100 to 300 lbs. Coal scales have 
many bad weighs. 

Any respectable wood-dealer will tell you that he can get a plump 
cord of stove-wood into a wagon-box built to hold six-eighths of a cord. 
He'll tell you this after he goes out of the business. 

A PINT-BOTTLE of champagne will hold a quart, if the neck was three 
feet longer. As it is, they hold all they can less than a pint. 

An ordinary man can measure three feet at each step. So can an 
ordinary woman, if out in a shower with a spring bonnet on. 

The number of feet in a " chain " depends on whether it is a vest- 
chain, or a log-chain. 

An acre of ground, if unoccupied and near town, contains 1,678 square 
feet of old boots, oyster cans, dead cats and soup bones. 

A FURLONG is quite a bit fur-ther 'long than you thought you were. 

Found Another. — The other day, the Chief of Police received a 
letter from a resident of Macomb street, reading : 

" Dear Sir. — I wish you would hunt up my wife ; she has run away. 

J." 

Next day a second letter came, reading : 

'' Dear Sir. — You needn't mind looking up my wife. I've found a 
woman who stands ready to marry me any minute. J." 

A Cincinnati woman tried to reach the bottom of the stairs ahead 
of a cask of vinegar, and the surgeon who fixed up her broken bones 
said that she might try for a thousand years and yet get beaten every 
time. 



50 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

His Looks Deceived Him. — He did not look like a joker. One 
to sit and study his face would have said that his soul was so lost in 
melancholy, that he didn't care two cents whether the sun set at noon or 
staid up until 7 o'clock. He entered the ladies' sitting-room at the 
Central Depot, walked up to a woman whose husband had left the room 
about ten minutes previously, and calmly inquired, — 

" Madam, your husband went out to see the river, didn't he ? " 

" Yes — why } " she said, turning pale in an instant 

" He was a tall man, wasn't he ? " 

" He was," she replied, rising up and turning still paler. 

"Had red hair?" 

" He had — oh, what has happened ? " 

" Weighed about one hundred and eighty pounds ? " 

" Yes — yes — where is he — where is my husband ? " she exclaimed. 

*' Couldn't swim, could he ? " 

" He's drowned — my husband is drowned!" she wailed. 

" Had a silver watch-chain ? " continued the stranger. 

" Where is my husband — where is the body ? " she gasped. 

"Do not get excited, madam. Did your husband have on a gray 
suit?" 

" Yes. Oh, my Thomas ! my Thomas ! " 

" And stoga boots ? " 

"Let me see him — let me see him ! " she cried. 

" Come this way, madam, but do not get excited. There, is that your 
husband across the street at that peanut stand ? " 

"Why, yes, that's him ; that's my husband!" she exclaimed joyfully. 
" I thought you said he was drowned." 

" No, madam, I did not. I saw him buying peanuts, and I believed it 
my duty to say to you that peanuts are not healthy at this season of the 
year!" 

He slid softly out, and she stood there and chewed her parasol, and 
stared after him as if he were a menagerie on wheels. 




Eighth Mo7ith. 



AUGUST. 



31 Days. 



Sunday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 


Monday \ \ 7 | 14 j 21 | 28 | 


Tuesday \ 1 | 8 | i.s | 22 | 29 | 


Wednesday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 


Thursday \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 31 | 


Friday | 4 1 n 1 18 | 25 | | 


Saturday \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | | 



Frost pretty well out of the 
ground, and pennyroyal looks 
promising. 

People begin to think of 
taking down their stoves, and 
coal dealers stroll around 
and cry out, "How long — 



oh ! how long ! " But there is no long. 



No eclipse that the undersigned has heard of. 

DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 4th. — The horse-fly begins to let up a little, 
warned by some mysterious voice that winter is not more than four miles 
off. 

4th to loth. — The festive huckleberry raises its pond-blue head, and 
wails for some one to come and gather him in. 

loth to 1 6th. — Comes within a hair's breadth of the date when Jacob 
Clawhammer was born. Roses begin to draw on their boots and pre- 
pare to say "good-bye." 

i6th to 22d. — Threshing machines begin to make widows of wives, 
and give women a chance to go on an excursion to the cemetery. May 
be a hail-storm, but probably not. 

22d to 31st. — Mad dog excitement worn down rather, thin. Asiatic 
51 



52 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



cholera hasn't been around worth a cent. Grass-hoppers contracting 
for a supply of canned fence-rails for winter provisions. 

There's where a man has the advantage. He can undress in a cold 
room and have his bed warm before a woman has got her hair-pins out 
and her shoes untied. 

Think of that ! When you take a girl to spelling-school in Nevada, 
you have to ride twenty-four miles, and she expects you to keep your arm 
around her all the time ! 

Open for Bets. — A grocer stepped out of his door, yesterday, just as 

a boy had filled his pocket with apples from a barrel, and he shouted ; 

" Here ! you have been stealing apples — police ! police ! " 

" Don't holler out that way ! " replied the boy, as he put the apples 

back. " Bill bet me that my pocket wouldn't hold three old sockers, and 

I was just trying to see. I'm open to such bets every day in the week ! " 

A Detroit gentleman, walking behind two school children the other day 
heard the boy inquire: "Will you be at the party to-night.? " "I shall 
be there," answered the miss, " but I may as well tell you that your love 
is hopeless. Mamma is determined, father is set, and it isn't right for me 
to encourage your attention. I can be a sister to you, but nothing 
more. Therefore you needn't buy me any valentine or give me anymore 
gum." 

Stuffed Owls. — The other evening, as a Woodward avenue merchant 
was closing his store, a calm-eyed man entered and beckoned him twenty 
feet away from the cashier's desk, and whispered : 

" You've lived around here a good while, haven't you ? " 

" About twelve years," was the answer. 

" And you know what things are worth, don't you ? " 

"Well, I suppose I do." 

" And you wouldn't lie to me ? " 

"What are you getting at?" demanded the merchant. 

" Well, you see, there's a feller up here who wants to sell me a stuffed 



AUGUST. 



53 



owl, with yaller eyes, for 'leven dollars, but I don't believe it's worth over 
eight ! What is the lowest cash figger on stuffed owls, anyhow ? " 
It didn't take the merchant over twenty seconds to tell him. 

Alive to Business. — Yesterday, while a lady was looking at some 
baby wagons, in front of a Woodward avenue store, a boy stepped up, 
and inquired, — 

" Want to buy a buggy, mum ? " 

"Why, yes, I thought of it," she replied. 

" Better wait a day or two," he continued, in a serious tone ; " my little 
brother's powerful sick, and if he dies we'll sell his baby-cart at half 
what it cost ! " 

Too Deep For Him. — What's de occasion of that big smoke over 
dar ? " inquired one colored man of another, at the market, yesterday. 

" Fire, sah," was the answer. 

" And what's de occasion of de fire ? " 

" Combustshun." 

" And what's combustshun ? " 

" My friend," replied the other, crossing his legs, " dar's heaps of 
things in dis woruld dat no nigger ever knowed, or ever will know, an' 
we'll change de subject to gooseberries." 

When a Detroit sign-painter gets to work there is no " stopping " him. 
He says, — " Groceries provisions sugars teas oils codfish starch the nim- 
ble sixpence is our motto we cant be undersold if you dont see what you 
want ask for it." 

It doesn't look very well for a Green Bay paper to rise up and remark 
that Green Bay never had an elopement. A word — a look — may set 
a woman to thinking and planning. 

A Young lady in Alabama said she guessed she knew how to shoot a 
pistol. The doctor who dug the bullet out of her brother's leg said he 
guessed so too. 




Ninth Month. 



SEPTEMBER. 



30 Days. 



Sunday \ \ 3 | 10 | 17 | 24 | 


Monday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 2t; | 


Tuesday \ | 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 


Wednesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 


Thursday \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 


Friday \ 1 | 8 | 15 | 22 | 29 | 


Saturday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23 | 30 | 



Hotel gongs were invent- 
ed in this month. 

Mother-in-law begins to 
ask for a fire in her room, 
and takes a hot brick to 
bed with her feet. 

Eclipse in Rhode Island. 
Room for three slim men, exclusive of home population. 

Centennial begins to wind. 

The new potato now assumes definite size and shape. The blushing 
pumpkin skulks before the public with down-east eyes. 

Doubtabilities. — I St to 3rd. — No further need to "plug "water 
melons. The sentimental young lady thinks she hears the sighing breeze 
whispering sad thoughts of desolation and dispair, but it's only old Brown 
yelling at his oxen. Paper collars assume a stiffer appearance. 

3rd to 9th. — Hot weather 'in South America. Czar of Russia orders 
the boys to coal up. Time now for plowing. If you are going to plow 
the raging sea, take a ship. The sunflower begins to hunt his den. 

loth. — Perry's victory. Such Perry ants should be honored by their 
children. 

54 



SEPTEMBER. 



55 



nth, i2th, 13th, 14th. — Nothing to brag of. 

15th to 25th. — Cows show a disposition to take long walks in the gar- 
den, and sit in the arbor and meditate. Handsome thing for meditation, 
but hard on vegetables. 

September has only 30 days, but this great and glorious country can't 
be ruined by any such trifle as that. 

Be careful of your diet. A Georgian held a strawberry in his teeth for 
a young lady to bite at, and she bit half his nose off. 

She Wanted an Epitaph. — She came in from the country a few days 
ago, and ordered a head-stone for the grave of her departed husband. 
The marble-cutter was to have it ready yesterday, when she was to come 
in again with the inscription, have the letters carved on, and take the 
stone away. 

She was on time, but she wore an anxious, troubled look, having failed 
to write up such a notice as she thought the stone ought to bear. 

" I want suthin' that'll do my poor dead Homer justiss,'' she explained 
to the marble-cutter. " I think I ought to have one or two verses of 
poetry, and then a line or two at the bottom, — suthin' like ' Meet me 
on the other shore,' you know." 

The cutter said he thought he could get up something, and she 
entered the office, and he took out twenty-three sheets of foolscap and 
three pen-holders, and set to work, while she held her breath for fear of 
disturbing his thoughts. He ground away for a while, and scratched 
out and wrote in, and finally said he'd got the neatest thing that ever 
went upon white marble. It read, — 

IN MEMORY 

of 

HOMER CLINK, 

Who died 

October 13, 1873. 

Aged 41 years, 7 months, 21 days. 

My husband was a noble man, 

Of me he much did think : 



^6 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

And I'll never see another man 
Like my poor Homer Clink. 

" Isn't that bully?" asked the man, as he finished reading the inscrip, 
tion. 

" It's purty fair, but ," replied the widow. 

" But what, madam ? " 

'' Why, you see, he was good and kind, and was alius to hum nights, 
and all that, but I may find another man just as good, you know. I 
have said that I wouldn't marry again, but I may change my mind, and 
I guess we'd better tinker up that verse, a little. And, besides, you 
didn't get anything on the bottom." 

She went out and rambled among the tombstones, while the cutter 
ground away again, and just as she had become interested in a dog-fight, 
he called her in and read the new inscription. The first part was as be- 
fore, but his poetry read, — 

" My husband is dead, 
My poor Homer Clink, 

And in the cold ground they have laid him ; 
He was always home nights, 
Never got into fights, 

But death come along and betrayed him." 
" I shall meet him on the other shore, where all is lovely, and 
where sickness never comes." 

" There, how's that ? " inquired the poet, a bland smile covering his 
face. "Seems to me as if that went right to the heart." 

The woman took the paper, read the notice over four or five times, 
and finally said, — 

" I don't want to seem partikler about this, and I know I am makin' a 
good deal of trouble. That would do for most any one else — it's the 
real poetry, but I'd like suthin' kinder different, somehow. He was a 
a noble man. He never give me a cross word in his life — not one. 
He'd be out of bed at daylight, start the fire,— and I never got up till I 
heard him grinding the coffee. He was a good provider, he was. He 



SEPTEMBER. 



57 



never bought any damaged goods, because he couldn't git 'em cheap ; 

and he never scrimped me on sugar and tea, as some folks do. I can't 

help but weep when I think of him ! " 

She sobbed away for a while, and then brightened up, and said, — 

" Of course, I'll meet him in heaven. It's all right. As I told you, I 

may never marry again, though I can't tell what I'll be driven to. Just 

try once more." 

She sat down to an old almanac, and the cutter resumed his pen. He 

seemed to get the right idea at once, and it wasn't fifteen minutes before 

he had the third notice ground out. It read, — 

IN MEMORY 
of 

HOMER CLINK, 

Who died 
Oct. 13, 1873, 
Aged 41 yrs. 7 mos. 21 dys. 

He was the kindest sort o' man, 

He was a good provider ; 
And when a friend asked him to drink 

He always called for cider. 

His wife she has a noble heart, 

And though she may re-marry ; 
When'er she thinks of Homer Clink 

Her heart a sigh will carry. 

" He has crossed the dark river, and found peace and good health." 
"That's good, — that just hits me!" exclaimed the widow, tears 
coming to her eyes. " I've got to go and do some trading, and I'll be 
back in two hours. Put the inscription on handsome like, and I shan't 
mind two dollars extra." 

About noon, her one-horse wagon backed up to the dealer's, and as 
the stone was loaded up, the widow's face wore a quiet smile of satisfac- 
tion. 



58 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

He Knows How To Work It. — When a Sixth street boy wants a 
pair of skates or a jack-knife, he never thinks of asking his father for 
them, but states his wants to his mother. She answers that times are 
hard, and he must wait awhile, and he turns away with the remark, — 

" Very well, mother. You may give my sled to Johnny Maloney, and 
my dog to Jack Spar." 

" What do you mean .? " she wildly inquires. 

" And let Coroner Griffin hold the inquest ! " he continues, making for 
the door. 

She overtakes him, entreats him not to go and kill himself, and in 
about fifteen minutes she is seen on her way up town after the skates. 

Philosophy. — About midnight, Friday night, a policeman found a man 
seated on the steps of the post office, very quiet but pretty drunk, and 
he asked him why he did not go home. 

" 'Cause," replied the man, " 'cause if I should go home now and my 
wife should go for me, it would hurt my feelings. If I wait till I get 
about two pegs drunker, she niay talk all night, and it'll slide right off'n 
my shoulders like greased lightning going down hill." 

He was allowed to wait. 

The Pinch. — A colored dame encountered a policeman on Beaubien 
street, one day, and halting him, she inquired, — 

" Spose'n dat a purson spits in anoder parson's face, is dat anything ? " 

" Well, no," replied the officer. 

" Wall, spose'n dat purson whose face was spit into should take de 
poker and drop de purson who done de spitting, and cut a big gash in 
dat purson's head, would dat be anything } " 

" That would be a serious case, madam. Did any one strike you with 
a poker?" 

" Dat's whar de pinch comes in. Ize de one who done de hitting 1 " 
she exclaimed, lifting her hands in amazement and horror. 




Tenth Month. 



OCTOBER. 



31 Days. 



Sunday 


n 


8 


'5 


22 


29 1 


Monday 


2 


9 


16 


23 


30 1 


Tuesday 


3 


10 


17 


24 


31 J 


Wednesday 


4 


11 


18 


25 1 1 


Thursday 


5 


12 


19 


26 1 1 


Friday 


6| 


13 


20 


27 1 1 


Saturday 


7| 


14 


21 


28 1 1 



Centennial closes this 
month, and the country has 
been saved. 

Linen coats begin to look, 
care-worn and down-hearted. 

Moon returns from Sara- 



Chattle mortgages given in June, to enable folks to go to Long 
Branch, begin fo fall due now. 

Henry Patrick was born in this month, — six weeks too late to go in 
swimming, and two months too early to play with icicles. 

DouBTABiLiTiEs. — ist to 5th. — Take the well-pole and knock down 
the red-cheeked apples. Give the grind-stone a fall coat of paint. 

5th to 9th. — Shah of Persia sends down word for his tailor to trot 
up to the palace and get out timber for a new overcoat. Cold, gray 
clouds skulking around, — newspapers begin to publish a list of the frogs 
which have taken up winter quarters in port. 

9th to 1 6th. — Suck the juicy grape and devour the puckery per- 
simmon. Haul in on the slack of your corn crop,— lower away the 
rotund potato and make all snug. 

1 6th to 20th. — Heat and cold and other kinds of weather. The 
boys evince a disposition to sleep spoon-fashion. The family cat goes 
into quarters under the kitchen stove. 59 



6o GOAKS AND TEARS. 

2oth to 27th. — Expect rain, but there won't be any. The blue- 
bird sends his satchel to the depot and orders it checked for South 
Carolina. 

27th to 31st. — Bald-headed men begin to swear about the coal 
mine strikes. Cows hunt for the sunny side of the barn-yard, and medi- 
tate on the rise in woollen goods. Old maids may be seen trundling 
wheelbarrow loads of brick home. Everything indicates that the next 
thing will be something else. 

Splitting the Difference. — When a farmer drives into town on 
Michigan avenue with a load of wood, and is met by a man who wants 
fuel, the man asks, — 

" How much for that wood ? " 

" $5.00" is the reply. 

"Give you $4.50." 

"Can't do it." 

The man walks up and down, and the farmer stands and swings his 
arms to warm his hands. 

" Well, say $4.75," says the man, at last. 

"Can't take less'n five," replies the farmer. 

Another pause, and the man says, — 

" Well, say $4.80." 

"That's nice wood — worth $5.00," is the reply. 

"Well, call it $4.90." 

Farmer walks around, ponders the subject, and finally says, — ^ 

" See here, I don't want to be stingy and mean ; I'll split the differ- 
ence, and we'll call it $4.99." 

Couldn't Console Him.— A policeman, yesterday, tried to console a 

small boy who was crying over a fall, by saying, — 
" Why, you didn't fall half so far as I would have to." 
" I know it," sniffled the lad, " but you've got a good deal more to fall 

on than I have ! " 



OCTOBER. 6 I 

Remarkable Transformation. — She seemed about eighteen years 
old, as she tripped down Woodward avenue. She struck an icy spot, 
uttered a cry, and was discovered sitting down. Several men rushed up, 
and as they extended their hands, they beheld a gaunt, old face, where 
they had, but one moment before, observed rosy cheeks and a dimpled 
mouth. They stared at her in painful surprise, unable to comprehend 
what had occurred, and she picked up her teeth and false hair, and 
limped into a store. 

A Michigan man couldn't find a comb or a hair-brush in a Kansas 
hotel, and when he complained about it the landlord replied, — 

" If you are so particular as all that, you ought to have brought the 
Astor House along with you." 

Quoting from the Bible. — Yesterday, while several colored men 
were loafing around the central market, and talking over the Louisiana 
troubles, one of them heaved a sigh, and said, — 

" It's bad business. De Bible says, ' He dat lives by de sword shall 
die like de whirlwind,' and dose fellers had better look out ! " 

Couldn't Fool Him. — A farmer, having sold his load of produce at 
the market, yesterday, stepped into an oyster establishment to make a 
purchase of a can. 

"Forty cents," said the clerk, as he handed down a can. 

The farmer turned it over, failed to see any X's on the can, and he 
put up his wallet, and replied, — 

" You can't shark me, mister. I know where I can get cans with three 
X's on 'era for that money." 

The clerk wrestled with him, but his explanations couldn't sell the 
can. 

Philosophy. — When a Detroit boy is out until half-past ten o'clock in 
the evening, and his father says to him, — "Boy, the first thing in the 
morning I'll settle this with you ! " that boy arises at daylight, seeks the 
buck-saw and wood-pile, and he never lets up for a moment until after 
his father has eaten his breakfast and left the house. 



62 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



A Wife's Influence. — A middle-aged man was on trial at the Cen- 
tral Station Court, yesterday morning, for drunkenness, and as he pleaded 
guilty, his Honor said he would have to make it thirty days. The pris- 
oner glanced around, saw his wife in the room, and hastened to say, — 
" Do me a great favor, your Honor — make it plump three months ! " 
His request was complied with, and the prisoner wore a grin of triumph 
as he turned to his viife. 

She Could. — An old lady, riding on a street car yesterday, took a 
clay pipe and tobacco from her pocket, and after filling the pipe and 




borrowing a match, she leaned back for a smoke. The conductor 
entered the car, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, — 

" You can't smoke in here." 

" I know it's a leetle crowded," she replied, as she looked up, " but 
I'm used to travellin', an' I guess I can put up with it ! " 

She was allowed to finish her pipe. 

Not Posted. — The other day, as father and son were riding on a 
Fort street car, the boy whispered to his parent, — 

" There's a lady over there who hasn't combed her hair in a week ! " 

The father saw before him a lady whose hair was full of tangles, curls, 
and rat's nests, as is the fashion, and he replied to the boy, — 

" Don't you know better than that ? Why, she's been a whole month 
trying to make her hair look just that way ! " 




Eleventh Mo?ith. 



NO VEMBER. 



30 Days. 



Sunday \ 


1 5 


12 


19 


26 1 


Monday \ 


1 6| 


13 


20 


37 1 


Tuesday 


1 7 


14 


21 


28 1 


Wednesday \ 


i| 8 


^s 


22 


29 1 


Thursday \ 


2| 9 


16 


23 


3°l 


Friday \ 


3|io 


17 


24 1 1 


Saturday \ 


4 1 II 


18 


^sl 1 



The King of Dahomey 
may get his stove-wood piled 
up. 

The black bear keeps both 
eyes open to find apartments 
for the winter. Prefers them 
on the ground floor. 

The inspector of gas-metres now admits that life has much worth liv- 
ing for. 

Get your lettuce and peas under cover, and say farewell to strawberry 
short-cake. 

DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 4th. — Wet on the Lakes ; a good deal of 
water around. 

4th to 7th. — Husking bees. Any one who finds a girl with a red ear 
is entitled to kiss her. Proper time now to go down to the saw-mill and 
steal enough boards to repair your barn. A merciful man is merciful to 
his beast, and if you go at night you won't be detected. 

7th to 15th. — Take in your mosquito-bars, and sing a requiem o'er 
the grave of cotton socks. Good time to wander along the pebbly 
beach, and listen to the murmur of the sad sea waves, and get a sore 
throat and a cold in the head. 
63 



64 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

15th to 22nd. — Ascertain where your neighbor is going to pile his 
wood, and make your arrangements accordingly. 

22nd to 27th. — Buy your girl a pair of No. 10 Arctic overshoes. 
27th to 30th. — Keep dry. 

Up to this date the month of November has had but thirty days, but 
the country is growing and improving, and the public should be hopeful. 

An elephant is 1,227,386 times larger than a flea, but yet there are 
women who growl at paying two shillings to visit a menagerie, and will 
turn a feather bed over for half a day to hunt a flea. 

There is something grand and terrible in the look of a mother, as 
she hauls the pptato basket out of the pantry, makes a hurried inspec- 
tion, and calls out, — " Celestia Jane! every 'tater in this basket has 
been friz ! " 

What Ailed Him. — A fat citizen, whose shirt-bosom was torn and 
blood-stained, hat staved in and coat collar dangling around his heels, 
was, the other day, seen making his way up Clifford street at a trot. 
Encountering an acquaintance he was asked, — 

" Thunder and blazes ! What ails you ? " 

" Halted back there to put a stop to a family fight ! " gasped the fat 
man, as he hurried forward. 

While a young lady was standing on the wharf, at the foot of Second 
street, waving her handkerchief at a schooner lying in the stream, a 
boy came along, and inquired, — 

" Know anybody aboard ? " 

" No, I don't, but they are waving their handkerchiefs at me," she 
replied. 

" Hand (ha!) ker (hoo) chief! " he exclaimed, dropping his basket, 
and leaning against a woodpile ; " why, them's the men's shirts hung up 
to dry ! " 

She waved into a warehouse. 



NOVEMBER. 65 

An Ancient Gaul. — He walked out of the depot, with a satchel in 
his hand — a good looking satchel, yet terribly gaunt and thin. If satch- 
els had ribs, one could have seen that satchel's ribs, and noted how 
thin in flesh it was. When a professor of hack-driving asked the 
stranger if he would have a carriage, he smiled blandly and replied, — 

" Not this time, Colonel — not just now, although I warn thee that it 
is plebian-like for a duke to walk around with his baggage in his hand, 
I am in search of a hostelry — a caravansar}^, where I can recuperate and 
refresh." 

When he stood before the hotel clerk, the clerk noted that the 
stranger's hat was full of dents and caves ; that his shirt-front was 
badly soiled ; that his garments were becoming threadbare, and that 
there was need of thorough repair. 

" I desire a seat at the banquet-board, without delay," said the 
stranger. " I have travelled far and feel the need of refreshment." 

The clerk smiled as the satchel was lifted over the counter. He 
" hefted " it and smiled again. 

"I carry the ducats here, in my wallet," said the stranger, "and after 
I have sipped the amber mocha, and carved the spring poultry, I shall 
cheerfully requite thee." 

He might have seventy-five cents about him — the clerk would chance 
it. Victory lurked in the stranger's eye as he turned to one of the bell- 
boys, and said, — 

" Youthful slave, conduct me to a place where I can lave my fevered 
brow." 

He was conducted, and after he had laved, he looked a little better. 
Even a boot-black is improved by a liberal application of soap and 
water. Still, there was that lank satchel behind the counter, those 
thread-bare garments and that hungry voice. 

" Now, serf, proceed to the banquet hall, and I will follow thee." said 
the stranger, as he ran a coarse comb over his head for the last time. 

Seated at the table and approached by a waiter, he remarked, — 

"Thoii can'st bring me rare viands of any kind, and I shall not quarrel 
with thee about the cookery." 



66 GOAKS AND TEARS. 

"Beefsteak — fried ham — mutton chops or Uver ?" queried the girl. 

" Fair lady, to thine own good judgement do I leave it," he replied ; 
" only let wings be added to thy speed, for my castle is leagues away, 
and I hunger." 

She brought him a well-selected stock of groceries and provisions, 
and he got away with them, as a steam ditcher goes down through sandy 
soil. He ate his fill, and then he crammed another meal down on top of 
that. He emptied his coffee cup again and again, and when he finally 
rose from the table he could hardly lift himself. Turning to the fatigued 
waiter, he gently said, — 

" Fair maiden of che valley, thou hast done thy culinary work in a 
manner which speaks volumes for thee. Permit me to offer thee my 
heartfelt thanks." 

He strolled into the office, put some matches in one vest pocket, and, 
some tooth -picks in the other, and leaning his elbow on the counter, 
said to the clerk, — 

" Thou knowest thy duties well, and when I am far away I shall gladly 
sound thy praise." 

" Come, no fooling now — out with that seventy-five cents." 

" As soon as my retainers arrive I shall give thee a weighty purse, and 
thou can'st keep every ducat in it." 

" Ducats be hanged ! I want scrip — nickles — stamps! I want pay 
for your breakfast ! " " 

"Gently, my friend with the Roman nose," continued the stranger; 
" thou can'st not say I am a lord or a duke in disguise." 

" And I don't care a cent ! Are you going to pay ? " 

" Am I going to turn these fragments of wood into gold?" queried 
the stranger, as he held up a number of pine tooth-picks. 

The clerk came out of the office, — having the lean satchel in his 
hand, — and he took the stranger to the door, kicked him with great 
good will, and pointed up the street. 

" I go," said the man, in a solemn voice, "but when my retainers 
arrive I shall seek revenge — human gore shall be shed to satisfy 
me!" 



NOVEMBER. 



67 



"You want to gore right away from here — quick -- smart !" ex- 
claimed the clerk. 

He went. His face was clouded for a moment, but then a grand smile 
covered it, and he stopped a newsboy and asked, — 

" My faithful minion, can'st thou direct me to an office over the door 
of which hangs the traditionary golden balls of the base money-lender 
— a place where I may exchange a few precious heirlooms for some vile 
dross?" 

And the boy did. 




Twelvth Mo7ith. 



DECEMBER. 



3 1 Days. 



Sunday \ \ 3 | lo | 17 | 24 | 31 


Monday \ \ 4 | 11 | 18 | 25 | 


Diesday \ \ 5 | 12 | 19 | 26 | 


Wedtiesday \ \ 6 | 13 | 20 | 27 | 


Thursday \ \ 7 | 14 | 21 | 28 | 


Friday \ i| 8I15I22I29I 


Saturday \ 2 | 9 | 16 | 23.I 30 | 



Nevada saloon - keepers 
commence to saw their whis- 
key into ten-cent chunks. 

Don Quixote was born in 
this month. 

Last man gets away from 
Saratoga, and the bell-boys 
go over to the store to hurry up those diamond pins. 

Fire companies meet and declare that the season has opened better 
than could have been expected. 

People who got drunk on election day are now able to turn a corner 
without rolling off the sidewalk. 

DouBTABiLiTiES. — ist to 3d. — Buy Lake Shore. 

3d to 5th. — Grease the doorsteps and prepare for business. 

5th to nth. — Mother-in-law begins to grow sassy. Dogs howl 
mournfully. Look out for storms on Lake Erie. Old women begin to 
remember the Morgan excitement. 

5th to 9th. — Stable your ducks. 

9th to 1 6th. — Frost begins to spook around right smart. Good time 
for frosted cake. 

1 6th to 2 1 St. — Ghosts. 
68 



DECEMBER. 69 

2ist to 24th. — Right time to hunt for Captain Kidd's buried treasure 
Hang up your sock. Santa Claus crosses the State line. 
25th. — Turkey. 
25th to 29th. — Pick the bones. 
29th to 31st. — Goose for New Years. 

Propositions of marriage, in Nevada, are written on postal cards, and 
the answer comes by return mail : " Come on with^our preacher ! " 

A Pennsylvania paper has a wood-cut likeness of Captain Kidd, the 
pirate, and it won't lend it to the other paper in that town to publish 
as the likeness of a self-made man. Such meanness cannot fail to be 
terribly rewarded. 

"What's this crowd around here for ?" demanded a policeman, the 
other night, as he came upon a dozen boys grouped near the gate of the 
house on Second street. " Keep still," replied one of the lads, " there 
comes old John, tight as a brick, and we're waitipg here to see his wife 
pop him with the rolling pin, as he opens the front door." 

No Show for Him. — Saturday afternoon, while the rope-walker was 
going through his performances, a boy, about twelve years old, turned to 
an acquaintance of the same age, and remarked, — 

" Tom, don't you wish you could do that ? " 

" Yes, I do," sadly replied Tom, " but my folks make me go to school, 
and are determined that I shan't never be nobody ! " 

It was a Bee. — Any one passing along Howard street, just before 
noon, yesterday, would have seen him lying under one of the shade trees in 
his yard, a pillow under his head, his feet on a bench, and a magazine in 
his hands. He looked the picture of comfort and contentment ; and the 
women who were going along with pull-back dresses on, sighed and 
wished they were men. 

The great city hall bell struck the hour of noon. The deep-toned 
echoes floated out on the still summer air, and touched a tender cord in 
the Howard-street man's heart. The echoes sounded to him like funeral 



70 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



whispers — like the whispers of the night wind sighing through the grand 
old wilderness. 

" Oh, solemn bell ! " he said " Oh, sad^ solemn ! " 

That was all he said about the bell. A bumble bee settled down on 
him to look for sugar, and as he turned partly over he, gave the bee a 
rub. It is a bad thing to rub any kind of a bee. He feels insulted and 
gets annoyed at things which a mud turtle or a dove would pass by 
without a thought. The echoes of the bell were just dying away when 
the Howard-street man got up. He got up like a man in a hurry. He 
went away from there. He didn't meander — he went like a rocket. 
Something seemed to ail him. " He made a line for the house, went up 
the steps at a bound, and, as his wife asked him the cause of his haste, 
he replied, — 

" Thunder — oop ! hoop ! " 

" Is this house on fire? " she asked, as he tore around the parlor and 
upset things. 

" House be oop ! Lbrdy ! " he answered, as he made a circle of 

the room and dashed into the hall. 

The dog rushed after him, the wife rushed after the dog, and the man 
bounded out of the house. 

" Are you crazy, Robert ? " shrieked the wife, as she beheld him pound- 
ing his legs with his new silk hat. 

Two or three boys ran in from the street, a strange dog came in and 
got up a fight, and all things conspired to make a lively time. 

" He's got the colic ! " yelled one of the boys. 

" Or the tremers ! " shouted another. 

" See that hat! " called a third. 

" Boys, go out of here," whispered the panting man, after he had 
stopped using his hat. They went out, and as he limped into the house, 
his tearful wife asked, — 

"Now, then, will you tell me what has happened ? " 

"No, I won't!" he shouted, and he didn't. She fell into hysterics 
at the thought that he had used his brain too much, and had suddenly 



ALMANACS. 



71 



become crazed ; and he went down to the drug store and applied arnica 
to the spot, and informed the clerk that 11,000 of the largest kind of 
bumble-bees settled right down on him in a body. 

" Have you ' Goldsmith's Greece ? ' '' was asked of the clerk in a store 
in which books and various miscellaneous articles were sold. " No," 
said the clerk, reflectively, " we haven't Goldsmith's Greece, but we 
have some splendid hair-oil." 

Couldn't Fool Him. — He was past the prime of life, but yet there 
was a good deal of life in him. He came into the drug store to get some 
quinine for his " shakes," and a pile of almanacs, on the counter, at- 
tracted his attention. He picked one up, opened it, and it was plain to 
be seen that he was not a professor of almanacey. He happened to 
open it at the September calendar. The day was Wednesday, and the 
month July. His eye fell on "Wednesday" in the calendar, he saw 
the date "September i6th ;" and after a smile of incredulit}^, he tossed 
the almanac back and said to himself : " When a man, or a beast, or a 
book gits up an' tells me that September comes in July, I'll just walk 
right away from 'em ! " 

Almanacs. — Almanacs are always handy things to have around the 
house. Every well-arranged house-wife uses the family almanac for a 
holder, a dust-brush and a table-mat, and her children find no end of 
amusement in looking at the beautiful pictures of angels, scorpions, 
harps, lions, pirates, wind-mills, fishes and mermaids, and in reading 
about Buffalo Bill, and other noted tyrants and acrobats. 

If I were a poor man, with a family of sixty or seventy children de- 
pending on my daily toil for their silk dresses and broad-cloth suits, and 
had my choice between having thirteen of my relatives come in from the 
country to visit me for three or four weeks, or of having an almanac in 
the house, I should tell 'em to send up the almanac by special train. It 
is comfort for the living, consolation for the dying ; and no unabridged 
dictionary can begin with an almanac for dates and things. 



72 



GOAKS AND TEARS. 



THE CROPS. 

The grasshopper crop of 1875 was the largest ever harvested, 
although no special effort was made on the part of agriculturists to 
render it a champion crop. 

Owing to the fine weather in May and June, the potato-bug crop turned 
out much better than was anticipated. Many farmers who didn't expect 
to raise a single bug harvested millions of them. It is confidently 
expected that there will be any quantity of bugs, for foreign shipment, 
after the home market has been supplied. 

The fishing season opened beautifully, and continued fine throughout 
the season. Over twenty men were noticed going around the corner with 
a rock-bass on a string. 

The area devoted to the cultivation of the cotcon-worm was not so 
large as in 1874, but every planter's want has been fully supplied, and 
there is no grumbling about a scarcity. 

There hasn't been a great many whirlwinds or tornadoes, owing to the 
backward season ; but those maturing w-ere of good size, headed ^out 
well, and will supply the market through the winter. 



THE STOCKS. 




JUST PUBLISHED! 

GOOD HUMOR. 

BY 

^'THE DANDURY NEWS MAN," 
"M. QUAD," 

W. H. H. MURRAY, 

THACKERAY, 

DICKENS, 

And Others. 

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receipt of price. 

H L SHEPARD & CO. 

BOSTON AND CHICAGO, 



THACKERAYANA: 

NOTES AND ANECDOTES. 

ILLUSTRATED BY SKETCHES BY WILLIAM MAKE- 
PEACE THACKERAY, 



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The Best Stories, Told in the Best Way, By the Best 

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Sent by mail, postpaid, on receipt of price, by 

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These stories are by the author of " THE HOOSIER SCHOOLMAS- 
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THE 

BEST STORIES, 

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I Vol. Beautifully Illusj:rated, cloth gilt, tinted paper, ^1.50. 

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THE BEST OF ALL GOOD COMPANY. By Blanchard Jerrold. Comprising: 
A Day with Charles Dickens ; A Day with Sir Walter Scott ; A Day with Thack- 
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works. With specimens of manuscript, portrait, and illustrations by Robert Harris, 

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pany," as would be gained by a personal acquaintance. 
Price in cloth, extra, gilt top, ... $2.50 



THE CHILDHOOD OF THE WORLD. 

A SIMPLE ACCOUNT OF MAN IN EARLY TIMES. By,EDWARD Clodd. 

" I was delighted to have it read to my children."— Max Mullek. 

"This genial little volume is a child's book as to shortness, cheapness, and simplicity of 
style, thoueh the author reasonably hopes that older people will use it as a source of mforma- 
tion, not popularly accessible elsewhere, as to the life of primitive man and its relation to oar 
own."— E. B. Taylor, Author of "Primitive Culture," etc., etc. 



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COLLINS, WILKIE, 

THE DEAD ALIVE. By Wilkie Collins, the greatest English novelist. 
Extract from the Author's Appended Note :— It may not be amiss to add for tke 
.benefit of incredulous readers, that all the " innprobable events " in the story are matters of 



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lOUt of ten, the invention of the author. 



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TRIBUNE POPULAR SCIENCE, 

By Agassiz, Proctor, Chandler, Hammond, Brown-Sequard, Bayard Taylor, 
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L— THE WINDOW GARDENER. A Treatise on 

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Their Growth, Situation and Exposure, Heat, Moisture, Ventilation, 
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Potting. Manure, Soil, Peat, Loam, Sand, Leaf-mold, Proportions of 
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HI.— WARDIAN CASES — WALTONIAN CASES — 
FERNERIES — THEIR MANAGEMENT. To be 

followed by other works upon kindred subjects at 

the same low price ; viz., 50 cents. 

Each book of this series is accompanied by an order on Mr. Jas. 
Vick of Rochester, N.Y., for one of his Floral Guides. 
Sent by mail, on receipt of advertised price, by 

HENRY L. 'SHEPARD & CO., Publishers, 

31 HAWLEY ST., BOSTON. 



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